RSS

Are you ready?

Her boy was sat at the kitchen table, school bag slumped on the floor. He was tapping furiously on his phone, names and faces scrolling down the screen as he cycled through his remote social network. He’d done what she’d asked as soon as he’d got home, setting two plates – one slightly chipped, knifes, forks and two polished glasses on the pine table. A stew was simmering on the stove; his meal was waiting patiently for him, as ever, for when he stepped off the school bus into his mother’s arms.

She stood looking at him for a brief moment. Still tapping away at that phone she’d got him last Christmas, so he could keep in contact with his friends. She felt guilty: they lived on the last stop on the school bus route, out of walking distance, and she’d never let him walk back at night. She usually drove him around, which was safer than travelling by bus.

He growled and swore. It’s frozen. She didn’t ask; there was no point. She’d never been the one who dealt with the technology, she’d normally’ve just left it to him. It was a wonder half the gadgets in the house still worked. It was probably the best opportunity to get him off the thing.

Do you wanna have a kick-about outside?
He tapped for a few more seconds then paused, and shrugged.
Come on.

He hurried a few more messages, then dimmed the screen and slipped the phone into his right pocket, reaching for the old kit-bag. She turned the stove down, and stepped out through the glass door. The lack of sound would’ve surprised her if she weren’t so used to it. An intimidating quiet. The two apple trees were as though dead and the little, chirping bird that lived within didn’t seem to be there. There was a slight hiss of grain from the endless fields that reached right up to the fence on each side.

The clatter of football boots on the step broke the silence, and her son’s muddy shirt brushed past her. Boots two sizes too big upon his little feet, with missing studs and worn, dull leather, sunk past the unmown grass and into the earth. A red-brown football shirt, slightly torn on the bottom, stained, also muddy, with the loose seams causing the white “3” to peel off the back under a surname she didn’t even know, but remembered fondly. The frayed sleeves slid back, exposing his slender fingers as he bent down to place the ball. Cracked white, once grey, and slightly flat, it rolled slightly to one side on the uneven turf.

Are you ready?

He barely nudged it, uncertain of how hard to kick it to his mother… they never played football. It stopped short… she managed a glancing smile, making a conscious effort to rush excitedly towards it, swinging at the ball; the tough leather stung her skin exposed through her shoe, woefully inadequate for the outdoors, but she beared it for him. It rolled faster than her son’s, but at sharp angle to him, rolling into the bush. Her smile dropped and eyes turned to face him, worried. She expected to see a grimace, to see his smile drop as well… but he was smiling. Laughing. He dived behind the bush.

She paused for a second, lips still tweaked upwards, ears awash with the sound of trees in the fresh wind and the shakes of dense fir-fronds as her son scrabbled for the ball. She watched the white cloud gliding in the cool spring air, and smelled the honeysuckle that shone green as it clambered up the side of her kitchen window. Distant farm machinery hummed from afar.

He’d emerged from the bush, shirt dotted with torn leaves and splinters of bark. His hair was ruffled, and hands brown. She started half a step forward, seeing him, but held herself back, reassured by the smile on his lips as he replaced the sweat on his brow with dirt from his sleeve.

He kicked it once more to her; she knocked it a stride with her shin and, undeterred, kicked it back, fairly on target. He seemed surprised, and they passed the ball excitedly between each other, her shots improving in confidence with each attempt, his increasing in enthusiasm. Finally, inevitably, one of her shots flew wide, and struck the dark, rotted panels of the shed in the far corner, hidden forgotten in the overgrowth behind the trees. An ominous rumble of balanced boxes and tools collapsing punched through the garden, exposing the two as they followed the arc of the ball. The sound continued for longer than she’d wish to note as all other ambient noise seemed to cease around them, the sides of the shed trembling with each beat as it trickled quieter with the last few items, then stopped. The broken, wisp-strands of cobweb hung still over the dust-opaque panels of clear plastic.

Are you ready?

She hadn’t been in there in years. God knows what state the inside was like, with old belongings filed in boxes, gardening equipment, nuts, bolts and trinkets scattered in drawers and shelves and cupboards. She didn’t really want to know, but she’d have to tackle that corner someday. She’d left it too long. She knew she’d have to forget the majority of it, to be rid of it, but the issue of sorting the good from the bad stood in the way. She stared at the door, with its thick, rusted padlock.

Her boy made to fetch the ball, innocently, but she grabbed his arm. Not now. She looked down into his eyes. Not right now; he could get it another time. The stew was ready anyway, and the sky had started to cloud over. Night chased day rapidly across the gaping flats; she could almost watch it approaching. She led him back inside, ringed hand pressing into the small of his back, muscles tensing as a cold wind gathered behind them. She passed over the threshold and shut the door, drawing the curtains together sharply, and exhaled slowly.

The stew is ready.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Meet Keith

That’s right, I’m a motherfuckin’ snail.

If ya’ve got a problem with that, ya can fuck right off and complain to ma fuckin’ lawyer. Oh, I forgot: I don’t have one, because I’m a fuckin’ snail, so let’s keep things simple enough for ya fuckin’ amoeba brain to comprehend: mind ya own fuckin’ business. Humans. Arseholes, the lot of yas.

Don’t think that I can’t hear ya commentin’ on ma speed. Ya’re louder than Davina in a fuckin’ blender. What’s the point in rushin’? I’m not on a fuckin’ busy-ass highway, am I? Fuckers all up in ma space, followin’ ma snail trail – yes, it fuckin’ glistens in the motherfuckin’ sunlight. No shit, Sherlock. I’m only tryin’ to cross this empty fuckin’ space – wasn’t askin’ for a crowd of gawping motherfuckers! Absolute fuckin’ joke. Was only goin’ to eat ya shitty lawn anyway. Ya smother ya fuckin’ cripple plants in so much fuckin’ chemicals that I’d melt if I touched ‘em. Ya’re always complainin’ about keep ya fuckin’ lawn short anyway, because mowin’ is too much fuckin’ effort for yas. Boo-fuckin’-hoo; I’m cryin’ ma motherfuckin’ snail eyes out. I mow grass just to fuckin’ survive, ya ungrateful twatbags.

Yeah, that’s right! Sprinkle that fuckin’ salty shit all over me. Fuckin’ Walker’s crisps? Ya dumb piece of shit. Snail bitches love fried potato, motherfucker. Look at me! Off ma fuckin’ tits on salt! If ya had half a fuckin’ brain ya’d have more brains than ya parents fuckin’ put together. Fuckin’ idiot human pixie-dick wanker.

I’m only lookin’ around for a measly fuckin’ bite to eat. I’m fuckin’ starvin’; ma belt keeps fallin’ down ma skinny fuckin’ Kate Moss waist. If I had a waist, that is. Ha! Fuckin’ joker snail, right here. Pipe the fuck down.

Oh, look at this joker. Some sort of young, pink, frilly bitch; talks like a deaf person drowning. Oh I suppose she- bitch is pickin’ me up! Fuckin’ hangin’ in the air, holdin’ me by ma fuckin’ shell. I’d rip her cutesie fuckin’ ponytails out of her scalp if I had arms, the little shit. And look at the rest of ‘em! Fuckin’ eggin’ her on. Eggin’… fuckin’ eggshells… scatters ‘em all over the bloody place that woman does. Would she appreciate me casually scatterin’ fuckin’ razor-blades around her kitchen? I think fuckin’ not! Stupid bitch can- Ah! Fuck! Poked ma fuckin’ eye! Yes, it retracts back into ma fuckin’ angry-ass snail face. Fascinatin’! Yeah, go on, poke the other one, ya dribbling piece of fuck. I’ll gnaw your fuckin’ nose off if y- Fuck’s sake! Oh ha motherfuckin’ ha, I’ve retracted both? Giggle ya fuckin’ heart out, love, I’m fuckin’ blind now.

Oh, so now you wanna fuckin’ feed me, right? You worthless goat-rapist. I’m sure that most individuals wouldn’t be in the best mood to have a fuckin’ meal after being blinded by an breast-feedin’ clinical psychopath. No, I don’t feel like being force-fed fuckin’ grass. Piss off, or I’ll fuckin’ tear out ya throat with ma snail fangs. Would kill ya in seconds, the dangerous motherfuckers would. Kill ya dead, and I’d laugh, ya fucking pig-tailed gape-arse paedo-treat fuck.

Hide in ma motherfuckin’ shell, I will. Yeah, that’s right! Ya deadbeat fucker. Hidin’! From ya! Can’t fuckin’ run ‘cause I’ve got not fuckin’ legs – even if I did ya’d probably rip ‘em out off ma fuckin’ body, ya sadistic little Friday-night cum stain. Aww, don’t cry. Ya fuckin’ pu- What the?! Hey! I’m not a fuckin’ retard! I may be fuckin’ blind  but I can still feel ya fuckin’ shakin’ me like a Michael Jackson kid. Oh, and ya’ve thrown me. Fan-fuckin’-tastic. Yeah, ya’d better cry for ya shitarse Snorlax of a mother; I’d fuckin’ poke ya eyes inside ya fuckin’ skull if ma shell weren’t fuckin’ shattered all over ya dog shit smeared patio. Ya know that arsehole of a feelin’ when ya can feel a crumb in the bottom of ya sleepin’-bag but ya can’t see it or stop it pissing you off? Imagine that except that the bag is ya shell and the crumb is YA FUCKING INNARDS EXPOSED TO MOTHER FUCKIN’ NATURE. Think about that, ya gene-deficient miscarriage of humanity!

Oh, and look at this prick of a dog. I’m in fucking agony, but ya wouldn’t care would ya? Ya pantin’ more than a paedophile in Mothercare, ya fuckin’ freak. Yeah, I’m bleeding. Can’t even see to recon the motherfuckin’ damage, ‘cause I’m still blinded from the little kindergarten whore over there. I’ll slap yas both ‘cross the face with ma massive snail cock, you fuckin’ coons. Lookin’ for a quick snack are we, Dog? I see. You won’t forget this one. Come on then, ya cunt.

COME AT ME BRO.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 7, 2012 in Creative Writing, Short stories

 

Empty armchairs

They face each other with a deathly calm,
Two old chairs in the dark with florals frayed.
Spindle held leaves clawed climb o’er each arm,
Thread-broken petals ripped raw and decayed.

One seat depressed with rests aged down but clear;
Silhouette of a soul, sad and alone.
The other is pristine, there’s no mark here;
The ghost of the man that I’ve never known.

Sun shoots through windows shored thickly with dust
Searing limp cloth as it fires from outside,
Splintering off panes imprisoned in rust
But shines off the letter and badge on the side.

A lifetime after he left his armchair
His wife’s not alone, for he is still there.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 21, 2012 in Creative Writing, Poetry

 

Vlog post: A Behavioural Analysis of Chavs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzsoZXeBESI

Here’s another vlog post, this time as a satirical study on Chav behaviour,

Please like/dislike, comment, criticise, subscribe, flag or report – whatever floats your boat.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 20, 2012 in Vlog

 

Wife knows best

An experimental triolet. ‘Tis a weird form of poetry – the first, fourth and seventh lines have to be the same, as does the second and last. The rhyming structure is ABaAabAB. Hard to write.

“The belt never fits?” Well!
My wife “knows best”?
The silly woman can’t tell.
“The belt? Never! Fits well!”
But no matter how much I yell
Or swell my chest,
The belt never fits well….
My wife knows best.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 20, 2012 in Creative Writing, Poetry

 

Started a vlog!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg4ZAuNEuMM

Here’s the link to my shiny new vlog post, folks! I’ll attempt to make it a regular occurrence, with original writing instead of recycling a blog post.

Please like/dislike, comment, criticise, subscribe, flag or report.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 17, 2012 in Updates, Vlog

 

Is it a crime to falsely claim you have a conviction when job-hunting?

This was sent to the Metropolitan Police Enquiries Office. They failed to answer my enquiry to a satisfactory standard.

To whomever,

Would the act of claiming to have committed a crime when I have not when completing criminal record section of an application for a job vacancy be a criminal offense? I ask in case someone was inclined to apply for a job where such an offense could possibly be seen as an advantage to the employer, for example: claiming to have experience in hacking into secure banking systems when applying to be an IT consultant with a major bank. I understand that, under the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act 1974, it is illegal not to declare an unspent conviction when apply for a job, but the Act doesn’t seem to facilitate the opposite.

I have seen it fitting to contact you regarding this issue, in case another piece of legislation restricts one from doing so, either generally or pertaining to specific areas of employment, like childcare.

In the case that this is, indeed, illegal, would such illegality apply to any claimed conviction, or would lesser crimes be considered acceptable to lie about? For example: if the conviction one claims to be in possession of would typically demand an incarceration period of less than the two and a half years required to be declared under the Act. This is important to not just to me but to others questioning the same possibilities, especially in the current economic climate where employment is highly sought after.

I would be very grateful if my queries could be answered.

Many thanks,
Daniel

 

Dear Daniel,

This is not really something that the PAO can help you with. I have been
advised to direct you to your solicitors to gain advice on this matter.

Regards
Jo

 

Jo,

Thank you for the in-depth response.

Daniel

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 16, 2012 in Emails/letters, Misc

 

Daniel 1 – 0 Hotel

Found out a friend had a terrible experience Valentine’s night, waiting over three hours for food in a restaurant. Decided to pose as a rage-customer, in a thinly veiled attempt to get free food. This is ongoing.

The manager,

I chose to take my long term girlfriend out to your restaurant today, thinking that it would be a wonderful surprise going to a venue that had such a reputation as yours. Unfortunately, the only surprise my partner got was a three hour wait between our starter and main course being served. Not only this, but our drinks never seemed to see the light of day, and we even overheard our waitress swear not only within earshot of half the restaurant but directly to a customer, who was voicing their outrage.

I had also planned to propose to my partner tonight, of all nights, but these plans were also scrapped in light of your dismal attempt to run what will have been, predictably, one of your most busy nights of the year. We left, unengaged, both shaking with fury. Working in the catering industry myself, I know how a restaurant is run and I can assure you I have seen Valentine’s meals fly past infinitely less incompetently as you ran yours.

I can only hope that you offer some sort of compensation for what was ultimately a failure to us, the customers. Otherwise, my first experience with Mercure is more than likely to be my last.

Daniel

Dear Daniel

Thank you for your feedback

Firstly I would like to apologise that I have not got back to you sooner however when these such unfortunate events occur I feel it fair and appropriate to take some time to fully reflect on our shortcomings and conduct a full investigation into what happened to ensure we a, learn from the events and b, ensure that you are has happy as you can be with the outcome and feel that you have been looked after post the incident.

Therefore I have spent some time investigating this and although was not there am able to sum up why this has happened and although I know this is irrelevant to you I feel it necessary to give you some insight into why it happened and why.

You are quite right in you presumption that Valentines Day is one of the key dates in any Restaurant calendar particularly one such as ours, we also run Bedroom packages combined with the food element, and this year we have and are still running our ready for Romance Package (10th – 20th Feb)

Unfortunately on this night the (main night) we seem to have fallen well below our usual very high standards and because of that I apologise fully.

Like all restaurants we have a booking diary that guides us to how busy we are going to be combined with our in-house sleepers we usually have a pretty good idea by 6.00pm of how busy we are going to be, At 6.00pm on this day we had 39 covers booked in the restaurant so based on sleepers in house and forecasted pickup we were expecting to do about 60 covers (last year 49 covers). But due to a computer error on our in-house dinner inclusive sleepers tab we actually had another 48 booked into the system of which we did not find out it was to late.

We ended the night doing 122 covers and although the team would have done there best they would have been unable to serve such a number to our usual high standards.

Given the above I would really appreciate the opportunity to invite both yourself and your soon to be Fiancée (no thanks to us) back to the hotel at a date that suits you subject to availability, I would like to offer you a complimentary 1 night stay in one of our suites with dinner included in the restaurant.

I promise you that your experience will be a positive one and will personally meet you upon check in.

I hope this offer is received in the manner of which it was intended.

I look forward to speaking with you soon

My sincere apologies once again

Kind Regards

Tony Crosbie

Tony,

Thank you for your quick response, and I appreciate your explanation of the situation you were. I’d like to apologise for the tone of my original email; I hope you can understand that I was still upset by the night… I shouldn’t have reacted like that.

We’ve decided that we’d like to take up your offer, incredibly gratefully, of a meal. We’re not sure sure about the night’s stay at the moment, as we have quite a busy few weeks ahead of us, but I could get back to you if you’re happy for it not to be immediate. Also, would you want us to bring the bill from our original meal, or would we be ok to arrive as normal? It’s just we wouldn’t want anything too serious, just a pleasant night out.

I’d like to thank you once again for the way you’ve communicated so graciously with us; you’ve already made up for Tuesday night, in my mind. Very professional.

Yours,
Daniel

 
4 Comments

Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Emails/letters, Misc

 

I love Valentine’s Day

Yes, folks… it’s that special time of the year again. No, not Christian Feast Day or the Martyrs Day of the Iraqi Communist Party! It’s Valentine’s Day, with all the cherished memories it brings.

Long gone are the innocent days where a simple blessing would suffice, or mystery letters were sent from (likely unwanted) secret lovers. Most people see it in one of two distinct ways. If you are on the female end of a relationship it’s probably one of your more pleasurable times of the year, being adorned greedily with flowers, chocolate and whatever the hell else you get paid for consensual sex with. If you are on the opposite, male side or single (like myself) you most likely see it as a heightened celebration of consumerist bullshit second only to Christmas. Those of us unfortunate (or fortunate) enough to be romantically isolated on this day will undoubtable do the following: complain about those in relationships, ponder on the reasons as to why they are single and run dangerously low on self-esteem before remembering gleefully how much money they’ve saved.

There’s no escape from the plague of unbearable soppiness. Every social networking outlet is flooded with tweets from the lonely and statuses from those not; vomit-inducing photos of desperate, last-minute Clinton’s shopping sprees are plastered over the internet for the whole world to feel sorry for. Cameras without wide-angle lenses suffer whilst attempting to cater for cards big enough to shelter the homeless, with all the free space filled vacuously with the same amount of words as a normal card, but in size 72 font. Ecstatic, cheap-chocolate and faux-romance-fuelled girls compete with each other for the hallowed record for most “x”s in a public message, with guys similarly fighting over the most clichéd (“most beautiful girl in the world”, “you mean so much to me”, “luff yhoo for evaarr”).

The TV guide is awash with even more shitty rom-coms than usual, Hugh Grant and Adam Sandler rear their ugly, religiously idolised heads from the dregs of the TV archives and last ditch V-Day advertising attempts are spat out as time runs out in the day for men to show how much they “care”. The only sanctuary from this hideous deluge are the higher-number channels. Not Red Hot Wives – the news channels. But even BBC News isn’t safe, running stories on Valentine’ss to people who, watching the news on Valentine’s Day, more than likely couldn’t give a toss (unfortunate choice of words). It looks like I’ll be watching Al Jazeera tonight.

Suppose you want to head into the outside world? It’s scary, I know, but we single people have to experience natural light every once in a while, between extended weeping sessions. High streets have more flashes of pink than a Cardiff nightclub, and more hearts than a gay man’s Bebo page. Buskers sing a cringe-worthy selection of love songs, like a hideous Tesco Value-branded holiday-special album. One woman performs a shaky rendition of My Love Is Your Love to an acoustic backing, probably unaware of the morbid implications singing a Whitney Houston song could have.

As the day drags on, those tied to another filter off the Facebook and Twitter, perhaps pausing only to fire an inflammatory comment at people who complain about such a undoubtably wonderful day (who would even think of doing that?). The internet, from this point on, is left to fester miserably as the resultant precipitate of lonely hearts are psychologically forced to talk to each other in a thinly veiled attempt to feel a sense of belonging and inclusion with at least one other member of humanity.

Now, those eagle-eyed (or not closed-minded) amongst you will have likely noticed that I’ve referred only to a typical, heterosexual existence. This is simply because I have little to no knowledge of any relationship involving more or less than one penis. Any advice or insight on the matter would be much appreciated, as I am fascinated to know how the dynamics of such a couple (or trio, etc) would work on a day that, more often that not, is discussed and commercialised purely around the concept of one-sided gift-giving, even in this golden age of supposed gender equality.

I’m not even with my beloved on her most cherished of holidays… the night she gets the most attention, more than any other night of the year. Dad wouldn’t let me bring my PS3 home with me. The horror.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Opinion, Ranting

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Unbreakable?

The rock stands.

Deep fissures line the surface
But it remains unbreakable.

Thick moss cloaks it,
Shroading the harsh outside
In an unassuming,
Pleasant mask.

The rains come.
From clouds formed elsewhere
Droplets fall,
Crashing against the stony sides.

Most are absorbed by the mossy shroud
But some find refuge in the cracks
And seep through.
The rock remains unbreakable.

Droplets become a stream,
A relentless downpour
Tearing the moss
From its anchor,
Exposing the harsh face
Of the naked stone.

The rains swell
But the lone droplets are no more,
Enduring together
As a single body of water,
Penetrating the cracks
From surface to core.

The weather is cold,
Harsh.
Many weeks have passed.
The swelling water now finds
Harmony from kindred minds.
And in the rally call of the far-off breeze
The droplets, as one,
Begin to freeze.
The ice creeps and,
With common might,
Exposes the depths to
The all-seeing light.

The rock
Breaks.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 7, 2012 in Creative Writing, Poetry