Is it a crime to falsely claim you have a conviction when job-hunting?

This was sent to the Metropolitan Police Enquiries Office. They failed to answer my enquiry to a satisfactory standard.

To whomever,

Would the act of claiming to have committed a crime when I have not when completing criminal record section of an application for a job vacancy be a criminal offense? I ask in case someone was inclined to apply for a job where such an offense could possibly be seen as an advantage to the employer, for example: claiming to have experience in hacking into secure banking systems when applying to be an IT consultant with a major bank. I understand that, under the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act 1974, it is illegal not to declare an unspent conviction when apply for a job, but the Act doesn’t seem to facilitate the opposite.

I have seen it fitting to contact you regarding this issue, in case another piece of legislation restricts one from doing so, either generally or pertaining to specific areas of employment, like childcare.

In the case that this is, indeed, illegal, would such illegality apply to any claimed conviction, or would lesser crimes be considered acceptable to lie about? For example: if the conviction one claims to be in possession of would typically demand an incarceration period of less than the two and a half years required to be declared under the Act. This is important to not just to me but to others questioning the same possibilities, especially in the current economic climate where employment is highly sought after.

I would be very grateful if my queries could be answered.

Many thanks,


Dear Daniel,

This is not really something that the PAO can help you with. I have been
advised to direct you to your solicitors to gain advice on this matter.




Thank you for the in-depth response.


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Posted by on February 16, 2012 in Emails/letters, Misc


Daniel 1 – 0 Hotel

Found out a friend had a terrible experience Valentine’s night, waiting over three hours for food in a restaurant. Decided to pose as a rage-customer, in a thinly veiled attempt to get free food. This is ongoing.

The manager,

I chose to take my long term girlfriend out to your restaurant today, thinking that it would be a wonderful surprise going to a venue that had such a reputation as yours. Unfortunately, the only surprise my partner got was a three hour wait between our starter and main course being served. Not only this, but our drinks never seemed to see the light of day, and we even overheard our waitress swear not only within earshot of half the restaurant but directly to a customer, who was voicing their outrage.

I had also planned to propose to my partner tonight, of all nights, but these plans were also scrapped in light of your dismal attempt to run what will have been, predictably, one of your most busy nights of the year. We left, unengaged, both shaking with fury. Working in the catering industry myself, I know how a restaurant is run and I can assure you I have seen Valentine’s meals fly past infinitely less incompetently as you ran yours.

I can only hope that you offer some sort of compensation for what was ultimately a failure to us, the customers. Otherwise, my first experience with Mercure is more than likely to be my last.


Dear Daniel

Thank you for your feedback

Firstly I would like to apologise that I have not got back to you sooner however when these such unfortunate events occur I feel it fair and appropriate to take some time to fully reflect on our shortcomings and conduct a full investigation into what happened to ensure we a, learn from the events and b, ensure that you are has happy as you can be with the outcome and feel that you have been looked after post the incident.

Therefore I have spent some time investigating this and although was not there am able to sum up why this has happened and although I know this is irrelevant to you I feel it necessary to give you some insight into why it happened and why.

You are quite right in you presumption that Valentines Day is one of the key dates in any Restaurant calendar particularly one such as ours, we also run Bedroom packages combined with the food element, and this year we have and are still running our ready for Romance Package (10th – 20th Feb)

Unfortunately on this night the (main night) we seem to have fallen well below our usual very high standards and because of that I apologise fully.

Like all restaurants we have a booking diary that guides us to how busy we are going to be combined with our in-house sleepers we usually have a pretty good idea by 6.00pm of how busy we are going to be, At 6.00pm on this day we had 39 covers booked in the restaurant so based on sleepers in house and forecasted pickup we were expecting to do about 60 covers (last year 49 covers). But due to a computer error on our in-house dinner inclusive sleepers tab we actually had another 48 booked into the system of which we did not find out it was to late.

We ended the night doing 122 covers and although the team would have done there best they would have been unable to serve such a number to our usual high standards.

Given the above I would really appreciate the opportunity to invite both yourself and your soon to be Fiancée (no thanks to us) back to the hotel at a date that suits you subject to availability, I would like to offer you a complimentary 1 night stay in one of our suites with dinner included in the restaurant.

I promise you that your experience will be a positive one and will personally meet you upon check in.

I hope this offer is received in the manner of which it was intended.

I look forward to speaking with you soon

My sincere apologies once again

Kind Regards

Tony Crosbie


Thank you for your quick response, and I appreciate your explanation of the situation you were. I’d like to apologise for the tone of my original email; I hope you can understand that I was still upset by the night… I shouldn’t have reacted like that.

We’ve decided that we’d like to take up your offer, incredibly gratefully, of a meal. We’re not sure sure about the night’s stay at the moment, as we have quite a busy few weeks ahead of us, but I could get back to you if you’re happy for it not to be immediate. Also, would you want us to bring the bill from our original meal, or would we be ok to arrive as normal? It’s just we wouldn’t want anything too serious, just a pleasant night out.

I’d like to thank you once again for the way you’ve communicated so graciously with us; you’ve already made up for Tuesday night, in my mind. Very professional.



Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Emails/letters, Misc


I love Valentine’s Day

Yes, folks… it’s that special time of the year again. No, not Christian Feast Day or the Martyrs Day of the Iraqi Communist Party! It’s Valentine’s Day, with all the cherished memories it brings.

Long gone are the innocent days where a simple blessing would suffice, or mystery letters were sent from (likely unwanted) secret lovers. Most people see it in one of two distinct ways. If you are on the female end of a relationship it’s probably one of your more pleasurable times of the year, being adorned greedily with flowers, chocolate and whatever the hell else you get paid for consensual sex with. If you are on the opposite, male side or single (like myself) you most likely see it as a heightened celebration of consumerist bullshit second only to Christmas. Those of us unfortunate (or fortunate) enough to be romantically isolated on this day will undoubtable do the following: complain about those in relationships, ponder on the reasons as to why they are single and run dangerously low on self-esteem before remembering gleefully how much money they’ve saved.

There’s no escape from the plague of unbearable soppiness. Every social networking outlet is flooded with tweets from the lonely and statuses from those not; vomit-inducing photos of desperate, last-minute Clinton’s shopping sprees are plastered over the internet for the whole world to feel sorry for. Cameras without wide-angle lenses suffer whilst attempting to cater for cards big enough to shelter the homeless, with all the free space filled vacuously with the same amount of words as a normal card, but in size 72 font. Ecstatic, cheap-chocolate and faux-romance-fuelled girls compete with each other for the hallowed record for most “x”s in a public message, with guys similarly fighting over the most clichéd (“most beautiful girl in the world”, “you mean so much to me”, “luff yhoo for evaarr”).

The TV guide is awash with even more shitty rom-coms than usual, Hugh Grant and Adam Sandler rear their ugly, religiously idolised heads from the dregs of the TV archives and last ditch V-Day advertising attempts are spat out as time runs out in the day for men to show how much they “care”. The only sanctuary from this hideous deluge are the higher-number channels. Not Red Hot Wives – the news channels. But even BBC News isn’t safe, running stories on Valentine’ss to people who, watching the news on Valentine’s Day, more than likely couldn’t give a toss (unfortunate choice of words). It looks like I’ll be watching Al Jazeera tonight.

Suppose you want to head into the outside world? It’s scary, I know, but we single people have to experience natural light every once in a while, between extended weeping sessions. High streets have more flashes of pink than a Cardiff nightclub, and more hearts than a gay man’s Bebo page. Buskers sing a cringe-worthy selection of love songs, like a hideous Tesco Value-branded holiday-special album. One woman performs a shaky rendition of My Love Is Your Love to an acoustic backing, probably unaware of the morbid implications singing a Whitney Houston song could have.

As the day drags on, those tied to another filter off the Facebook and Twitter, perhaps pausing only to fire an inflammatory comment at people who complain about such a undoubtably wonderful day (who would even think of doing that?). The internet, from this point on, is left to fester miserably as the resultant precipitate of lonely hearts are psychologically forced to talk to each other in a thinly veiled attempt to feel a sense of belonging and inclusion with at least one other member of humanity.

Now, those eagle-eyed (or not closed-minded) amongst you will have likely noticed that I’ve referred only to a typical, heterosexual existence. This is simply because I have little to no knowledge of any relationship involving more or less than one penis. Any advice or insight on the matter would be much appreciated, as I am fascinated to know how the dynamics of such a couple (or trio, etc) would work on a day that, more often that not, is discussed and commercialised purely around the concept of one-sided gift-giving, even in this golden age of supposed gender equality.

I’m not even with my beloved on her most cherished of holidays… the night she gets the most attention, more than any other night of the year. Dad wouldn’t let me bring my PS3 home with me. The horror.

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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Opinion, Ranting


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The rock stands.

Deep fissures line the surface
But it remains unbreakable.

Thick moss cloaks it,
Shroading the harsh outside
In an unassuming,
Pleasant mask.

The rains come.
From clouds formed elsewhere
Droplets fall,
Crashing against the stony sides.

Most are absorbed by the mossy shroud
But some find refuge in the cracks
And seep through.
The rock remains unbreakable.

Droplets become a stream,
A relentless downpour
Tearing the moss
From its anchor,
Exposing the harsh face
Of the naked stone.

The rains swell
But the lone droplets are no more,
Enduring together
As a single body of water,
Penetrating the cracks
From surface to core.

The weather is cold,
Many weeks have passed.
The swelling water now finds
Harmony from kindred minds.
And in the rally call of the far-off breeze
The droplets, as one,
Begin to freeze.
The ice creeps and,
With common might,
Exposes the depths to
The all-seeing light.

The rock

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Posted by on February 7, 2012 in Creative Writing, Poetry


Paper appreciation

Smooth and white,
‘Tis a wondrous thing,
This A4 sheet.

The smell of a new work.
Creativity; wondrous thoughts.
Ink meets page
And page offers escape
From daily trappings.

Word on word,
A life comes into being.
Stretching, reaching, touching,

The scraping of the silv- Ah!
A papercut?

You piece of shit.

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Posted by on February 2, 2012 in Creative Writing, Poetry


Guilty pleasure

Why must you upset me?
I only wished to spend a few moments with you.
You’ve been hiding away for so long.
I brought you out,
Thought you’d like some air
And to be a part of something better.
More worthwhile.

I feel a confusing guilt as I strip you down.
You make me weep
As I look upon your unwrapped self.
My eyes sting,
Either with guilt or some greater force
I cannot tell.

But you must stand fast
For it will be worth it, I promise you.
You’ve been destined for this,
And I’ve been craving it all day.

Get in my bolognese,
Little onion.

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Posted by on February 1, 2012 in Creative Writing, Poetry


Forever alone

I’m going to write on the merits of friends.
Of the conversations we have,
Of the comfort they offer,
And how they supply no end
Of entertainment.
Or, come to think of it,
Pain and let downs.
On second thoughts, I won’t bother.

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Posted by on February 1, 2012 in Creative Writing, Poetry